I failed and it’s okay

So in my last post I said that if I didn’t achieve the goals I set for myself, it would be depressing. I take that back. I forgot that I said that failure is a part of growing and with this failing I actually learned a lot.

I’ve been really hard on myself, I’ve created these false expectations for myself and I was trying to achieve the expectations that other people have for me. I guess that’s the thing with expectations, we just shouldn’t have them. They create anxiety and this unnecessary feeling of stress and disappointment.

On a happy note, even though I failed to achieve “simple” goals, I realized my focus was on the wrong place. I thought I was doing what was better for me instead of doing what actually makes me happy. I don’t have everything figured out but I do know I’m finally walking in the right direction, I can just sense it.

So lets just remember that its okay to fail, that expectations aren’t everything in life, and we need to start listening more to ourselves and to figure out us more. To really know what we want in life, so we don’t end up surviving and we can start living.

Leaving Bad Habits Behind

So I quit smoking and I’m doing sober 2021, wooo yei for me. But let me tell you, this was hard but at the same time so easy and I can’t understand how.

So I’m your kind of guy, or was I guess, that would have a beer in his hand every time I ate. I love beer, I love to try different types of beers and to really get to know where it comes from and how it was made. I’m a beer enthusiast if you please. But of course I couldn’t just have one. As soon as I started, it was just a matter of how many hours until bed, so I could squeeze in more beers until then.

Now, let me tell you about rosé. Or maybe just ask Paola how I finished a bottle that I found at her house. At the beginning I was like uf yes, let me have a glass and it ended with, you might as well finish it, and because I’m a great friend, I did. My mom, she even was aware that if we were having a family dinner and there was going to be wine, she would buy a bottle for each one of us, my sisters and I.

Disclaimer! I’m not endorsing drinking in any shape or form, nor smoking.

Yeah, I used to smoke too, and for whoever is wondering what type of smoking, both. I’m not gonna get into smoking marihuana because that was a long time ago and maybe it deserves a single post. Plus, I don’t believe it’s a bad habit overall so I couldn’t be talking about it in this one.

On the other hand let me tell you about cigarettes. They’re disgusting and smell horrible. This is the 3rd time I’m quitting them, but you know what they say, third time’s a charm. To be honest whenever I started smoking again it was because of anxiety, plus my ex girlfriends leaving me. But this time I wasn’t in a relationship, or maybe I was and still am but it’s a relationship with myself. And I’m never leaving me so, I think I may be good, right?

Now, why? Because of hormonal therapy. I guess there’s not much to it other than the fact that I’m doing it for myself. Because I’m starting this journey to be my true self, I wanna take care of me. If I don’t do it myself, no one will. I wanna be as happy and as healthy as I can be, so it just didn’t make sense to keep on drinking and smoking.

Nicolás – He/ Him

So it’s no secret that I used to have a different name and different pronouns, shocker I’m a transgender guy. If you know me personally, congrats you know my dead name, please don’t use it. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate that name, I think it’s a beautiful name, it’s just not my name you know? But you wanna know what sucks? 99% of people who surround me still call me by my dead name.

I can only imagine how hard it must be for my parents and sisters to call me Nicolás instead of the name they have been calling me for 25 years. Still, I know my sisters are making an effort. If you read my last post you know my dad wrote Nico to wish me a happy birthday but he wont say it out loud. Anyways this rant isn’t about them. It couldn’t be.

This rant is about that other maybe 90% of people who know, oh they know, that my name is Nicolás and they’re still using my dead name. But that’s not what’s bothering me, what actually is, is the fact that they wont even try, TRY, to use my correct pronouns. And hey, I promise its super easy to speak in a gender neutral way but no, they don’t like that so instead they call me things like this.
Are you ready to cringe?

“mi reina” like come on I’m a f*cking king
“mi niña” like first of all I’m not a kid anymore! I’m 26 years old
“señora” honestly okay I’m not that old, if you wanna show respect call me sir
“mi…” whatever following: “hermosa, preciosa, divina” like can you find more words that end with A, please, just please.

I know I shouldn’t be bitching about this but to be honest, every time I hear something like that (way too often for my stomach to handle it) I just hate myself a little bit more and it increases my dysphoria by way to much.

So if you’re reading this and you know me, I’m not asking for you to call me Nicolás (even though it would be awesome). Just don’t use those “nicknames” or whatever they’re called, just be like “hey..” its very easy to speak in a gender neutral way, so please stop using she/her pronouns because once again, I’m Nicolas and my pronouns are he/him.

My First Birthday

On January 26 I turned 26. I’ve never been fan of my birthday, but this birthday was different.

To begin with I totally forgot about it. Actually me and my family totally forgot about it hahaha. We thought it was “next week” when it actually was “in 3 days”. So to begin with it felt like it was going to be different.

I’ve never liked celebrating my birthday and this year was not any different, but something felt different and I didn’t know what it was. Amira then surprised me with a vegan cake, Paola gave me a hand written letter and my dad sent a picture of me to the extended family group chat that it said “Happy Birthday Nico”. When I read that, my heart stopped. I felt this joy inside of me I’ve never felt before. It was this validation I didn’t know I needed.

Remember that validation comes from within.

But that’s when it hit me, it’s my first birthday being my true self and damn it felt awesome. Everyone who wrote to me on that day were wishing me a great new start and a great new life and I never felt that way before. I was receiving so much love, I didn’t even knew how to react. I truly felt that it was my Birth Day because as cheesy as it may sound, I felt reborn.

Now, it’s not like I’m looking forward to my birthday because to be honest, who want’s to get older? Not me. But now I don’t feel this negative feeling I used to have towards this day.

From this day on, I’m starting to celebrate my life. At least this year I’m celebrating every single day because I’m getting one step closer, thanks to HRT, to who I really am.

Cassidy, mi pavito

This may be one of the hardest things I’ve ever written.

I met Cass on September of 2011. We were in 10th grade together, living in the same school, in a small town called Whitby in Ontario, Canada.

She used to live far from the school so she would stay with the boarding girls and go back home for the weekends. She was three rooms next to mine and we would always sit in front of her door, underneath a painting, and we would just talk before having to go to our rooms. Before we knew it, we were best friends.

We started sitting next to each other in every class we had together. During study hall we would get in trouble because I would make her laugh, with videos of babies falling. Some mornings I had to wake her up so she wouldn’t be late to sign in. After dinner we would walk through the school, watch a movie, or just talk. And that was every day for a whole year.

Halloween has always been my favourite day of the year. That year our hall tried making a haunting house because we had an empty room. Cass and I were in charge of screaming, we were hiding behind the bed. Her scream was so cute/pathetic I just burst out laughing. She got mad, she always got mad at me, and soon enough we were both crying in laughter. That day was the day our nicknames came to be; pavito and cochinito. Just because of the way we laughed. Soon we forgot that we had to scare the girls coming in and we just started talking. We both opened up to each other like we hadn’t done it with anyone else. It was truly an “oh wow moment” for both of us. Halloween now had a special place in my heart. We knew we had each other for life.

The year ended and I went back to Mexico. I won’t say that we talked like we used to when I came back, because we didn’t. We started to drift apart through the years. We always said happy birthday, and happy new year every single year. But thank God, when the pandemic took off, we started talking again, we had to catch up and we did. We became close again and it felt like if we never stopped talking. We were both so excited to see each other, but now, I’ll have to wait a little longer to see her again.

Thanks pavito for all the memories we created, and for all the support and love I received from you, I will cherish them for life.

I love you and miss you so much.

I hope you are where you wanna be.

Rest In Power.

Bathrooms

Before I start, so you won’t have any doubts, I use the men’s bathroom. Why? Because I am one. Now, you have to have in mind that I came out during the pandemic so there was no reason for me to go to a public restroom. Until now.

So I had to come to Houston to do some paperwork so chill, I’m not on vacation in the middle of a pandemic being irresponsible. With that being said, I have to confess that as soon as I was on the airport I was constantly thinking “Hell, what am I gonna do if I need to go to the bathroom?!”. I didn’t realized that I would go and that’s it, there’s nothing more to it. But I was hella scared.

The first couple of days I would hold it in until I was home. I would avoid drinking water so I didn’t have the need to go in the first place. But on the 12th I had an appointment with my therapist, Dra. Harumi, and my mom dropped me off at a Barns & Noble’s Cafe. Harumi asked me about how my experience has been, since it’s the first time I’m in public and presenting as Nicolás. The first thing I said was “BATHROOMS! I just can’t find the guts to use them” she asked why and I told her that I’m just scared someone’s not gonna like the fact that I’m in there and they’ll do something about it. Long story short she gave me the task to go to the bathroom and then tell her my experience, and so I did.

This may sound stupid but at first, my heart was pounding and I rushed into a stall. As the time passed I just started realizing that nobody cares if I’m there or not. The people that go into bathrooms they just want to go to the bathroom and that’s it. Plus, Harumi told me that I would only look like I nervous boy. Hahaha I need facial hair.

Now, idgaf hahaha I go to the bathroom like it’s nobody’s business BECAUSE IT’S NOBODY’S BUSINESS! Took some time to get there, but now that I’m here, drinking water once again feels amazing.