Let Me Start Over

So basically this month was an eye opening one. I not only got drunk every weekend but last Saturday my drunk self decided that smoking weed would be a good idea. I gained 5 kg and I didn’t do anything of the paper work I’m supposed to do.

At first I was really mad with myself but then it hit me, how sad I must be? Damn, really fucking sad to the point where I thought smoking weed would be a great idea. I guess I’ve been carrying all of the weight on my heart. In the beginning I thought, “now that everyone knows that I’m trans, I get to be myself and most importantly, happy!” And that’s kinda true but with the changes in my voice, the facial hair that’s growing, some of the people around me are now realizing that I’m really changing and they’re scared, and I understand that, but I wish they weren’t because they just project that onto me. On top of everything I’m feeling inside, ‘cause the dysphoria just keeps getting worse and worse, honestly this isn’t what I need.

Today the month ends and I’m just learning that today is #TransgenderDayOfVisibility. With that in mind I want a fresh start, I’m giving myself another chance. This time I’ll go at the pace I’m comfortable with, I’ll stop wasting time and I’ll spend my time doing what I have to do, or reading some of the books I bought for myself, or writing more for this blog, or even taking pictures. The thing is I need to get moving, not only physically but most importantly, mentally.

I wanna do better, I wanna get better and I know I have to do better, not for anyone else but only for myself. And I will.

I failed and it’s okay

So in my last post I said that if I didn’t achieve the goals I set for myself, it would be depressing. I take that back. I forgot that I said that failure is a part of growing and with this failing I actually learned a lot.

I’ve been really hard on myself, I’ve created these false expectations for myself and I was trying to achieve the expectations that other people have for me. I guess that’s the thing with expectations, we just shouldn’t have them. They create anxiety and this unnecessary feeling of stress and disappointment.

On a happy note, even though I failed to achieve “simple” goals, I realized my focus was on the wrong place. I thought I was doing what was better for me instead of doing what actually makes me happy. I don’t have everything figured out but I do know I’m finally walking in the right direction, I can just sense it.

So lets just remember that its okay to fail, that expectations aren’t everything in life, and we need to start listening more to ourselves and to figure out us more. To really know what we want in life, so we don’t end up surviving and we can start living.

Setting Goals

So I haven’t been feeling great lately, to be honest, I’ve been feeling like shit. I’m aware that I could be feeling like this because, I’m going through menopause and puberty at the same time, I’m realizing my relationship ended, I lost the safe place I thought I was going to have, I can’t organize my head, I don’t know what I wanna do in life, and I’m feeling guilty that I’m loosing all this time but I just can’t get myself to do anything. So of course this has to stop.

In the book Progress Over Perfection by Emma Norris I learned that if I wanna achieve something I must break down big goals into more manageable goals, so I set 2 weeks goals because I know I need to start small. I hope that by sharing this will help me achieve those goals because now someone out there will know if I failed or I achieved them.

I know failure is a part of growing but in this scenario it would be depressing if I don’t achieve my goals. They’re honestly way to easy. I just need to turn them into habits so I can achieve my bigger goals.

So let me tell you what we’re working with.
– Body, to reduce my dysphoria, I’ll do a 20 minute exercise. Monday through Saturday.
– Mind, I’ll read at least 10 pages of a book every single day.
– Spirit, I’ll meditate at least 10 minutes daily.

I know I can do it, I hope I really do it. See you on February 28th.

Leaving Bad Habits Behind

So I quit smoking and I’m doing sober 2021, wooo yei for me. But let me tell you, this was hard but at the same time so easy and I can’t understand how.

So I’m your kind of guy, or was I guess, that would have a beer in his hand every time I ate. I love beer, I love to try different types of beers and to really get to know where it comes from and how it was made. I’m a beer enthusiast if you please. But of course I couldn’t just have one. As soon as I started, it was just a matter of how many hours until bed, so I could squeeze in more beers until then.

Now, let me tell you about rosé. Or maybe just ask Paola how I finished a bottle that I found at her house. At the beginning I was like uf yes, let me have a glass and it ended with, you might as well finish it, and because I’m a great friend, I did. My mom, she even was aware that if we were having a family dinner and there was going to be wine, she would buy a bottle for each one of us, my sisters and I.

Disclaimer! I’m not endorsing drinking in any shape or form, nor smoking.

Yeah, I used to smoke too, and for whoever is wondering what type of smoking, both. I’m not gonna get into smoking marihuana because that was a long time ago and maybe it deserves a single post. Plus, I don’t believe it’s a bad habit overall so I couldn’t be talking about it in this one.

On the other hand let me tell you about cigarettes. They’re disgusting and smell horrible. This is the 3rd time I’m quitting them, but you know what they say, third time’s a charm. To be honest whenever I started smoking again it was because of anxiety, plus my ex girlfriends leaving me. But this time I wasn’t in a relationship, or maybe I was and still am but it’s a relationship with myself. And I’m never leaving me so, I think I may be good, right?

Now, why? Because of hormonal therapy. I guess there’s not much to it other than the fact that I’m doing it for myself. Because I’m starting this journey to be my true self, I wanna take care of me. If I don’t do it myself, no one will. I wanna be as happy and as healthy as I can be, so it just didn’t make sense to keep on drinking and smoking.