Let Me Start Over

So basically this month was an eye opening one. I not only got drunk every weekend but last Saturday my drunk self decided that smoking weed would be a good idea. I gained 5 kg and I didn’t do anything of the paper work I’m supposed to do.

At first I was really mad with myself but then it hit me, how sad I must be? Damn, really fucking sad to the point where I thought smoking weed would be a great idea. I guess I’ve been carrying all of the weight on my heart. In the beginning I thought, “now that everyone knows that I’m trans, I get to be myself and most importantly, happy!” And that’s kinda true but with the changes in my voice, the facial hair that’s growing, some of the people around me are now realizing that I’m really changing and they’re scared, and I understand that, but I wish they weren’t because they just project that onto me. On top of everything I’m feeling inside, ‘cause the dysphoria just keeps getting worse and worse, honestly this isn’t what I need.

Today the month ends and I’m just learning that today is #TransgenderDayOfVisibility. With that in mind I want a fresh start, I’m giving myself another chance. This time I’ll go at the pace I’m comfortable with, I’ll stop wasting time and I’ll spend my time doing what I have to do, or reading some of the books I bought for myself, or writing more for this blog, or even taking pictures. The thing is I need to get moving, not only physically but most importantly, mentally.

I wanna do better, I wanna get better and I know I have to do better, not for anyone else but only for myself. And I will.

I failed and it’s okay

So in my last post I said that if I didn’t achieve the goals I set for myself, it would be depressing. I take that back. I forgot that I said that failure is a part of growing and with this failing I actually learned a lot.

I’ve been really hard on myself, I’ve created these false expectations for myself and I was trying to achieve the expectations that other people have for me. I guess that’s the thing with expectations, we just shouldn’t have them. They create anxiety and this unnecessary feeling of stress and disappointment.

On a happy note, even though I failed to achieve “simple” goals, I realized my focus was on the wrong place. I thought I was doing what was better for me instead of doing what actually makes me happy. I don’t have everything figured out but I do know I’m finally walking in the right direction, I can just sense it.

So lets just remember that its okay to fail, that expectations aren’t everything in life, and we need to start listening more to ourselves and to figure out us more. To really know what we want in life, so we don’t end up surviving and we can start living.