I failed and it’s okay

So in my last post I said that if I didn’t achieve the goals I set for myself, it would be depressing. I take that back. I forgot that I said that failure is a part of growing and with this failing I actually learned a lot.

I’ve been really hard on myself, I’ve created these false expectations for myself and I was trying to achieve the expectations that other people have for me. I guess that’s the thing with expectations, we just shouldn’t have them. They create anxiety and this unnecessary feeling of stress and disappointment.

On a happy note, even though I failed to achieve “simple” goals, I realized my focus was on the wrong place. I thought I was doing what was better for me instead of doing what actually makes me happy. I don’t have everything figured out but I do know I’m finally walking in the right direction, I can just sense it.

So lets just remember that its okay to fail, that expectations aren’t everything in life, and we need to start listening more to ourselves and to figure out us more. To really know what we want in life, so we don’t end up surviving and we can start living.

Nicolás – He/ Him

So it’s no secret that I used to have a different name and different pronouns, shocker I’m a transgender guy. If you know me personally, congrats you know my dead name, please don’t use it. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate that name, I think it’s a beautiful name, it’s just not my name you know? But you wanna know what sucks? 99% of people who surround me still call me by my dead name.

I can only imagine how hard it must be for my parents and sisters to call me Nicolás instead of the name they have been calling me for 25 years. Still, I know my sisters are making an effort. If you read my last post you know my dad wrote Nico to wish me a happy birthday but he wont say it out loud. Anyways this rant isn’t about them. It couldn’t be.

This rant is about that other maybe 90% of people who know, oh they know, that my name is Nicolás and they’re still using my dead name. But that’s not what’s bothering me, what actually is, is the fact that they wont even try, TRY, to use my correct pronouns. And hey, I promise its super easy to speak in a gender neutral way but no, they don’t like that so instead they call me things like this.
Are you ready to cringe?

“mi reina” like come on I’m a f*cking king
“mi niña” like first of all I’m not a kid anymore! I’m 26 years old
“señora” honestly okay I’m not that old, if you wanna show respect call me sir
“mi…” whatever following: “hermosa, preciosa, divina” like can you find more words that end with A, please, just please.

I know I shouldn’t be bitching about this but to be honest, every time I hear something like that (way too often for my stomach to handle it) I just hate myself a little bit more and it increases my dysphoria by way to much.

So if you’re reading this and you know me, I’m not asking for you to call me Nicolás (even though it would be awesome). Just don’t use those “nicknames” or whatever they’re called, just be like “hey..” its very easy to speak in a gender neutral way, so please stop using she/her pronouns because once again, I’m Nicolas and my pronouns are he/him.

My First Birthday

On January 26 I turned 26. I’ve never been fan of my birthday, but this birthday was different.

To begin with I totally forgot about it. Actually me and my family totally forgot about it hahaha. We thought it was “next week” when it actually was “in 3 days”. So to begin with it felt like it was going to be different.

I’ve never liked celebrating my birthday and this year was not any different, but something felt different and I didn’t know what it was. Amira then surprised me with a vegan cake, Paola gave me a hand written letter and my dad sent a picture of me to the extended family group chat that it said “Happy Birthday Nico”. When I read that, my heart stopped. I felt this joy inside of me I’ve never felt before. It was this validation I didn’t know I needed.

Remember that validation comes from within.

But that’s when it hit me, it’s my first birthday being my true self and damn it felt awesome. Everyone who wrote to me on that day were wishing me a great new start and a great new life and I never felt that way before. I was receiving so much love, I didn’t even knew how to react. I truly felt that it was my Birth Day because as cheesy as it may sound, I felt reborn.

Now, it’s not like I’m looking forward to my birthday because to be honest, who want’s to get older? Not me. But now I don’t feel this negative feeling I used to have towards this day.

From this day on, I’m starting to celebrate my life. At least this year I’m celebrating every single day because I’m getting one step closer, thanks to HRT, to who I really am.

Bathrooms

Before I start, so you won’t have any doubts, I use the men’s bathroom. Why? Because I am one. Now, you have to have in mind that I came out during the pandemic so there was no reason for me to go to a public restroom. Until now.

So I had to come to Houston to do some paperwork so chill, I’m not on vacation in the middle of a pandemic being irresponsible. With that being said, I have to confess that as soon as I was on the airport I was constantly thinking “Hell, what am I gonna do if I need to go to the bathroom?!”. I didn’t realized that I would go and that’s it, there’s nothing more to it. But I was hella scared.

The first couple of days I would hold it in until I was home. I would avoid drinking water so I didn’t have the need to go in the first place. But on the 12th I had an appointment with my therapist, Dra. Harumi, and my mom dropped me off at a Barns & Noble’s Cafe. Harumi asked me about how my experience has been, since it’s the first time I’m in public and presenting as Nicolás. The first thing I said was “BATHROOMS! I just can’t find the guts to use them” she asked why and I told her that I’m just scared someone’s not gonna like the fact that I’m in there and they’ll do something about it. Long story short she gave me the task to go to the bathroom and then tell her my experience, and so I did.

This may sound stupid but at first, my heart was pounding and I rushed into a stall. As the time passed I just started realizing that nobody cares if I’m there or not. The people that go into bathrooms they just want to go to the bathroom and that’s it. Plus, Harumi told me that I would only look like I nervous boy. Hahaha I need facial hair.

Now, idgaf hahaha I go to the bathroom like it’s nobody’s business BECAUSE IT’S NOBODY’S BUSINESS! Took some time to get there, but now that I’m here, drinking water once again feels amazing.

Feelings

I have a weird relationship with feelings. To be clear I haven’t had my one month on testosterone yet and you know what they say: Taking testosterone is like having menopause and a second puberty. So I guess my relationship with feelings will get even weirder. 

As of now, I’ve been trying to understand everything I feel, the “why” and “how” I feel it. I tell myself, if you have to cry, cry. There’s no reason for us to shut down and hold it in. I believe something that’s really helpful is identifying what you’re feeling. Put a name to it, or maybe associate it with a face or taste or sound or even smell. If we did this, it’ll be a lot easier for us to explain how we’re actually feeling.

Imagine trying to tell your partner or parent or even therapist how you’re feeling, if you don’t even know what you are feeling. 

Something I could think of is to always carry a journal with us. Apart from our everyday journal that we should have, let’s have a small notebook where we could write if we feel sad, mad, anxious, etc. We could write how this feeling came up, how it makes us feel, if we can associate with something, if we feel it in a specific place in our body, if we feel it inside or outside, is it like an annoying fly or a spider running though our body. Let’s just try to identify it. Maybe this could help us express our feelings better.

Amira and Paola – BFF

Word of advice, just have TWO best friends. I promise you don’t need more. Everyone has their “school” friends, “party” friends, “family” friends, whatever friends, and it’s great to hang out with all of them but you’ll probably won’t tell them every little aspect of your life. Just like you would to your best friend.

One way I like to put it is that your best friend should be your perfect partner. The person who you’ll blindly spend the rest of your life with. Your spouse or husband or significant other. But it can’t be, the sex would be hella uncomfortable hahaha.

Now, the advice I could give to you is: choose carefully. The plan is you’re gonna share the rest of your life with them, as they will with you. It won’t be about how long you’ve known them for, honestly time doesn’t matter. What truly matters is connection, it’s all about the trust, what you both share and how you share it. Openly and without judgment.

I’m one of the lucky ones. I’ve already found my two best friends, Paola and Amira. The three of us went to the same school and the friendship started the very first day I met Paola (4th grade), with Amira it took some time (7th grade) but now I honestly don’t know what I would do without them. Once we grew up and got to the point in our lives where you start cleansing the people around you, that’s when I knew I just couldn’t leave without them.

If you’re gonna be here for this ride, it’s important for me that you know at least who they are because they’re so so so very important pieces to my life and I’m forever grateful with both of them. The things they’ve done for me and how, up until this day, they’re still by my side, it’s just speechless to me.

Paola y Amira if you’re reading this las amo un chingo y gracias por ser parte de mi vida <3.

This is Paola, my sister.
This is Amira, my other half.

Dys•pho•ri•a

/disˈfôrēə/
noun
PSYCHIATRY
1. a state of unease or generalized dissatisfaction with life.

I honestly believe that if everyone could take the time to understand what dysphoria means and how it sometimes feels, they would be more empathic towards the trans community and they’ll understand a little bit more of what we’re going through. Everyone feels dysphoria in different ways, there’s even some trans people who don’t feel dysphoria at all. In this topic I can only talk about my personal experience. Some could feel identified with what I say and some won’t. 

For me, a female to male trans, I could list a couple of things that generate a lot of dysphoria and some I can manage, like my voice. People can look at me and call me Sir without thinking twice but once I start talking is Miss for me -.- thank the lord for testosterone. I do wish I can grow a nice ass beard but if I don’t it’s okay, honestly it won’t bother me. I hate my period but come on, even girls hate it too. But once again, thank the lord for testosterone cause it’ll make it stop!

The one thing that honestly drives me insane are my boobs. I could talk about how much I hate them none stop but if I do I’ll get so dysphoric I’ll have to shut up. Before I came out to myself as trans, I already wanted to chop off my chest. I can remember the day I just wanted them to disappear, and since then every single day I want them gone. 

I went to a fat camp and when I came back to Mexico, I continued to lose weight. Once I was feeling so good about myself and how I looked, cause I was finally looking healthy and fit, I remember looking at myself in the mirror while I was naked and just hating how I looked, my first thought was: “why the f*ck do I need to have such big boobs”. And so I started to hide them. I gained weight so you couldn’t see the big lump I had, I bought elastic bandages and used them almost every single day until I bought my first binder. Now I can’t go out without having one on. Sometimes I even use two. I look at myself in the mirror and see the magic of having a “flat chest” and it just feels amazing. 

But now it gets tricky, remember the best feeling in the world (for girls) was getting to take off your bra at the end of the day? Well, now at the end of my day when I take the binder off, I can’t stand looking at myself in the mirror. It feels like this constant opinion I never asked for, telling me “you’re not a real man”. Thank the lord for surgery I guess, can it come earlier though?!?!

Hormone blocker

First of all, Amira will be someone who’ll probably appear in a lot of my stories if not all of them. She’s one of my two best friends, the other one is Paola and she’ll be in them too.

So to start, my dad was asking me, when will I tell all my family about me being trans. He was really pushing it because I guess he wanted that out of the way ASAP. Anyways, I told him that I wont tell anyone if I’m not on hormone therapy yet and so he said, “Okay then, start your treatment then”. Tbh I was so f*cking happy that I got the green light and I didn’t care the “why” of it. Of course that day I scheduled an appointment so they would take a blood sample and as soon as I got the results, the doctor told me that I was ready for hormone blockers. So obviously I made an appointment today to get the shot.

I told Amira to come with me and of course, we were late (which I hate because I’ll always arrive early, always). But oh god, Yola didn’t write down my appointment so there was no one, NO ONE that could let us in. With this world pandemic the clinic isn’t functioning as usual so it was literally closed. Good news though, half an hour later my endocrinologist came and we were back in business.

She injected me with Eligard GnRH and damn that b*tch hurt like a motherf*cker. But hell I was so happy afterwards. It’s the first day of the rest of my life!! Of course I wanted to record that moment and that’s why I told Amira (also because I needed her by my side) and Dr. Alma was like nah, she has to wait outside.

When we were leaving I was like okay this is my chance to make a video so I can remember this day forever (as if this wasn’t enough) and so here it is.

This is the first day of the rest of my life!!

Guys, I PROMISE YOU, there’s a f*cking light at the end of that scary and what feels lonely tunnel. But don’t forget that you’re not alone, there’s a lot of people out there who are feeling or have felt the same way you may be feeling. I’m always gonna be here if need someone 🙂