Let Me Start Over

So basically this month was an eye opening one. I not only got drunk every weekend but last Saturday my drunk self decided that smoking weed would be a good idea. I gained 5 kg and I didn’t do anything of the paper work I’m supposed to do.

At first I was really mad with myself but then it hit me, how sad I must be? Damn, really fucking sad to the point where I thought smoking weed would be a great idea. I guess I’ve been carrying all of the weight on my heart. In the beginning I thought, “now that everyone knows that I’m trans, I get to be myself and most importantly, happy!” And that’s kinda true but with the changes in my voice, the facial hair that’s growing, some of the people around me are now realizing that I’m really changing and they’re scared, and I understand that, but I wish they weren’t because they just project that onto me. On top of everything I’m feeling inside, ‘cause the dysphoria just keeps getting worse and worse, honestly this isn’t what I need.

Today the month ends and I’m just learning that today is #TransgenderDayOfVisibility. With that in mind I want a fresh start, I’m giving myself another chance. This time I’ll go at the pace I’m comfortable with, I’ll stop wasting time and I’ll spend my time doing what I have to do, or reading some of the books I bought for myself, or writing more for this blog, or even taking pictures. The thing is I need to get moving, not only physically but most importantly, mentally.

I wanna do better, I wanna get better and I know I have to do better, not for anyone else but only for myself. And I will.

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I failed and it’s okay

So in my last post I said that if I didn’t achieve the goals I set for myself, it would be depressing. I take that back. I forgot that I said that failure is a part of growing and with this failing I actually learned a lot.

I’ve been really hard on myself, I’ve created these false expectations for myself and I was trying to achieve the expectations that other people have for me. I guess that’s the thing with expectations, we just shouldn’t have them. They create anxiety and this unnecessary feeling of stress and disappointment.

On a happy note, even though I failed to achieve “simple” goals, I realized my focus was on the wrong place. I thought I was doing what was better for me instead of doing what actually makes me happy. I don’t have everything figured out but I do know I’m finally walking in the right direction, I can just sense it.

So lets just remember that its okay to fail, that expectations aren’t everything in life, and we need to start listening more to ourselves and to figure out us more. To really know what we want in life, so we don’t end up surviving and we can start living.

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Setting Goals

So I haven’t been feeling great lately, to be honest, I’ve been feeling like shit. I’m aware that I could be feeling like this because, I’m going through menopause and puberty at the same time, I’m realizing my relationship ended, I lost the safe place I thought I was going to have, I can’t organize my head, I don’t know what I wanna do in life, and I’m feeling guilty that I’m loosing all this time but I just can’t get myself to do anything. So of course this has to stop.

In the book Progress Over Perfection by Emma Norris I learned that if I wanna achieve something I must break down big goals into more manageable goals, so I set 2 weeks goals because I know I need to start small. I hope that by sharing this will help me achieve those goals because now someone out there will know if I failed or I achieved them.

I know failure is a part of growing but in this scenario it would be depressing if I don’t achieve my goals. They’re honestly way to easy. I just need to turn them into habits so I can achieve my bigger goals.

So let me tell you what we’re working with.
– Body, to reduce my dysphoria, I’ll do a 20 minute exercise. Monday through Saturday.
– Mind, I’ll read at least 10 pages of a book every single day.
– Spirit, I’ll meditate at least 10 minutes daily.

I know I can do it, I hope I really do it. See you on February 28th.

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Leaving Bad Habits Behind

So I quit smoking and I’m doing sober 2021, wooo yei for me. But let me tell you, this was hard but at the same time so easy and I can’t understand how.

So I’m your kind of guy, or was I guess, that would have a beer in his hand every time I ate. I love beer, I love to try different types of beers and to really get to know where it comes from and how it was made. I’m a beer enthusiast if you please. But of course I couldn’t just have one. As soon as I started, it was just a matter of how many hours until bed, so I could squeeze in more beers until then.

Now, let me tell you about rosé. Or maybe just ask Paola how I finished a bottle that I found at her house. At the beginning I was like uf yes, let me have a glass and it ended with, you might as well finish it, and because I’m a great friend, I did. My mom, she even was aware that if we were having a family dinner and there was going to be wine, she would buy a bottle for each one of us, my sisters and I.

Disclaimer! I’m not endorsing drinking in any shape or form, nor smoking.

Yeah, I used to smoke too, and for whoever is wondering what type of smoking, both. I’m not gonna get into smoking marihuana because that was a long time ago and maybe it deserves a single post. Plus, I don’t believe it’s a bad habit overall so I couldn’t be talking about it in this one.

On the other hand let me tell you about cigarettes. They’re disgusting and smell horrible. This is the 3rd time I’m quitting them, but you know what they say, third time’s a charm. To be honest whenever I started smoking again it was because of anxiety, plus my ex girlfriends leaving me. But this time I wasn’t in a relationship, or maybe I was and still am but it’s a relationship with myself. And I’m never leaving me so, I think I may be good, right?

Now, why? Because of hormonal therapy. I guess there’s not much to it other than the fact that I’m doing it for myself. Because I’m starting this journey to be my true self, I wanna take care of me. If I don’t do it myself, no one will. I wanna be as happy and as healthy as I can be, so it just didn’t make sense to keep on drinking and smoking.

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Nicolás – He/ Him

So it’s no secret that I used to have a different name and different pronouns, shocker I’m a transgender guy. If you know me personally, congrats you know my dead name, please don’t use it. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate that name, I think it’s a beautiful name, it’s just not my name you know? But you wanna know what sucks? 99% of people who surround me still call me by my dead name.

I can only imagine how hard it must be for my parents and sisters to call me Nicolás instead of the name they have been calling me for 25 years. Still, I know my sisters are making an effort. If you read my last post you know my dad wrote Nico to wish me a happy birthday but he wont say it out loud. Anyways this rant isn’t about them. It couldn’t be.

This rant is about that other maybe 90% of people who know, oh they know, that my name is Nicolás and they’re still using my dead name. But that’s not what’s bothering me, what actually is, is the fact that they wont even try, TRY, to use my correct pronouns. And hey, I promise its super easy to speak in a gender neutral way but no, they don’t like that so instead they call me things like this.
Are you ready to cringe?

– “mi reina” like come on I’m a f*cking king
– “mi niña” like first of all I’m not a kid anymore! I’m 26 years old
– “señora” honestly okay I’m not that old, if you wanna show respect call me sir
– “mi…” whatever following: “hermosa, preciosa, divina” like can you find more words that end with A, please, just please.

I know I shouldn’t be bitching about this but to be honest, every time I hear something like that (way too often for my stomach to handle it) I just hate myself a little bit more and it increases my dysphoria by way to much.

So if you’re reading this and you know me, I’m not asking for you to call me Nicolás (even though it would be awesome). Just don’t use those “nicknames” or whatever they’re called, just be like “hey..” its very easy to speak in a gender neutral way, so please stop using she/her pronouns because once again, I’m Nicolas and my pronouns are he/him.

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My First Birthday

On January 26 I turned 26. I’ve never been fan of my birthday, but this birthday was different.

To begin with I totally forgot about it. Actually me and my family totally forgot about it hahaha. We thought it was “next week” when it actually was “in 3 days”. So to begin with it felt like it was going to be different.

I’ve never liked celebrating my birthday and this year was not any different, but something felt different and I didn’t know what it was. Amira then surprised me with a vegan cake, Paola gave me a hand written letter and my dad sent a picture of me to the extended family group chat that it said “Happy Birthday Nico”. When I read that, my heart stopped. I felt this joy inside of me I’ve never felt before. It was this validation I didn’t know I needed.

Remember that validation comes from within.

But that’s when it hit me, it’s my first birthday being my true self and damn it felt awesome. Everyone who wrote to me on that day were wishing me a great new start and a great new life and I never felt that way before. I was receiving so much love, I didn’t even knew how to react. I truly felt that it was my Birth Day because as cheesy as it may sound, I felt reborn.

Now, it’s not like I’m looking forward to my birthday because to be honest, who want’s to get older? Not me. But now I don’t feel this negative feeling I used to have towards this day.

From this day on, I’m starting to celebrate my life. At least this year I’m celebrating every single day because I’m getting one step closer, thanks to HRT, to who I really am.

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Bathrooms

Before I start, so you won’t have any doubts, I use the men’s bathroom. Why? Because I am one. Now, you have to have in mind that I came out during the pandemic so there was no reason for me to go to a public restroom. Until now.

So I had to come to Houston to do some paperwork so chill, I’m not on vacation in the middle of a pandemic being irresponsible. With that being said, I have to confess that as soon as I was on the airport I was constantly thinking “Hell, what am I gonna do if I need to go to the bathroom?!”. I didn’t realized that I would go and that’s it, there’s nothing more to it. But I was hella scared.

The first couple of days I would hold it in until I was home. I would avoid drinking water so I didn’t have the need to go in the first place. But on the 12th I had an appointment with my therapist, Dra. Harumi, and my mom dropped me off at a Barns & Noble’s Cafe. Harumi asked me about how my experience has been, since it’s the first time I’m in public and presenting as Nicolás. The first thing I said was “BATHROOMS! I just can’t find the guts to use them” she asked why and I told her that I’m just scared someone’s not gonna like the fact that I’m in there and they’ll do something about it. Long story short she gave me the task to go to the bathroom and then tell her my experience, and so I did.

This may sound stupid but at first, my heart was pounding and I rushed into a stall. As the time passed I just started realizing that nobody cares if I’m there or not. The people that go into bathrooms they just want to go to the bathroom and that’s it. Plus, Harumi told me that I would only look like I nervous boy. Hahaha I need facial hair.

Now, idgaf hahaha I go to the bathroom like it’s nobody’s business BECAUSE IT’S NOBODY’S BUSINESS! Took some time to get there, but now that I’m here, drinking water once again feels amazing.

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Feelings

I have a weird relationship with feelings. To be clear I haven’t had my one month on testosterone yet and you know what they say: Taking testosterone is like having menopause and a second puberty. So I guess my relationship with feelings will get even weirder. 

As of now, I’ve been trying to understand everything I feel, the “why” and “how” I feel it. I tell myself, if you have to cry, cry. There’s no reason for us to shut down and hold it in. I believe something that’s really helpful is identifying what you’re feeling. Put a name to it, or maybe associate it with a face or taste or sound or even smell. If we did this, it’ll be a lot easier for us to explain how we’re actually feeling.

Imagine trying to tell your partner or parent or even therapist how you’re feeling, if you don’t even know what you are feeling. 

Something I could think of is to always carry a journal with us. Apart from our everyday journal that we should have, let’s have a small notebook where we could write if we feel sad, mad, anxious, etc. We could write how this feeling came up, how it makes us feel, if we can associate with something, if we feel it in a specific place in our body, if we feel it inside or outside, is it like an annoying fly or a spider running though our body. Let’s just try to identify it. Maybe this could help us express our feelings better.

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Amira and Paola – BFF

Word of advice, just have TWO best friends. I promise you don’t need more. Everyone has their “school” friends, “party” friends, “family” friends, whatever friends, and it’s great to hang out with all of them but you’ll probably won’t tell them every little aspect of your life. Just like you would to your best friend.

One way I like to put it is that your best friend should be your perfect partner. The person who you’ll blindly spend the rest of your life with. Your spouse or husband or significant other. But it can’t be, the sex would be hella uncomfortable hahaha.

Now, the advice I could give to you is: choose carefully. The plan is you’re gonna share the rest of your life with them, as they will with you. It won’t be about how long you’ve known them for, honestly time doesn’t matter. What truly matters is connection, it’s all about the trust, what you both share and how you share it. Openly and without judgment.

I’m one of the lucky ones. I’ve already found my two best friends, Paola and Amira. The three of us went to the same school and the friendship started the very first day I met Paola (4th grade), with Amira it took some time (7th grade) but now I honestly don’t know what I would do without them. Once we grew up and got to the point in our lives where you start cleansing the people around you, that’s when I knew I just couldn’t leave without them.

If you’re gonna be here for this ride, it’s important for me that you know at least who they are because they’re so so so very important pieces to my life and I’m forever grateful with both of them. The things they’ve done for me and how, up until this day, they’re still by my side, it’s just speechless to me.

Paola y Amira if you’re reading this las amo un chingo y gracias por ser parte de mi vida <3.

This is Paola, my sister.
This is Amira, my other half.

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