Let Me Start Over

So basically this month was an eye opening one. I not only got drunk every weekend but last Saturday my drunk self decided that smoking weed would be a good idea. I gained 5 kg and I didn’t do anything of the paper work I’m supposed to do.

At first I was really mad with myself but then it hit me, how sad I must be? Damn, really fucking sad to the point where I thought smoking weed would be a great idea. I guess I’ve been carrying all of the weight on my heart. In the beginning I thought, “now that everyone knows that I’m trans, I get to be myself and most importantly, happy!” And that’s kinda true but with the changes in my voice, the facial hair that’s growing, some of the people around me are now realizing that I’m really changing and they’re scared, and I understand that, but I wish they weren’t because they just project that onto me. On top of everything I’m feeling inside, ‘cause the dysphoria just keeps getting worse and worse, honestly this isn’t what I need.

Today the month ends and I’m just learning that today is #TransgenderDayOfVisibility. With that in mind I want a fresh start, I’m giving myself another chance. This time I’ll go at the pace I’m comfortable with, I’ll stop wasting time and I’ll spend my time doing what I have to do, or reading some of the books I bought for myself, or writing more for this blog, or even taking pictures. The thing is I need to get moving, not only physically but most importantly, mentally.

I wanna do better, I wanna get better and I know I have to do better, not for anyone else but only for myself. And I will.

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Setting Goals

So I haven’t been feeling great lately, to be honest, I’ve been feeling like shit. I’m aware that I could be feeling like this because, I’m going through menopause and puberty at the same time, I’m realizing my relationship ended, I lost the safe place I thought I was going to have, I can’t organize my head, I don’t know what I wanna do in life, and I’m feeling guilty that I’m loosing all this time but I just can’t get myself to do anything. So of course this has to stop.

In the book Progress Over Perfection by Emma Norris I learned that if I wanna achieve something I must break down big goals into more manageable goals, so I set 2 weeks goals because I know I need to start small. I hope that by sharing this will help me achieve those goals because now someone out there will know if I failed or I achieved them.

I know failure is a part of growing but in this scenario it would be depressing if I don’t achieve my goals. They’re honestly way to easy. I just need to turn them into habits so I can achieve my bigger goals.

So let me tell you what we’re working with.
– Body, to reduce my dysphoria, I’ll do a 20 minute exercise. Monday through Saturday.
– Mind, I’ll read at least 10 pages of a book every single day.
– Spirit, I’ll meditate at least 10 minutes daily.

I know I can do it, I hope I really do it. See you on February 28th.

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Nicolás – He/ Him

So it’s no secret that I used to have a different name and different pronouns, shocker I’m a transgender guy. If you know me personally, congrats you know my dead name, please don’t use it. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate that name, I think it’s a beautiful name, it’s just not my name you know? But you wanna know what sucks? 99% of people who surround me still call me by my dead name.

I can only imagine how hard it must be for my parents and sisters to call me Nicolás instead of the name they have been calling me for 25 years. Still, I know my sisters are making an effort. If you read my last post you know my dad wrote Nico to wish me a happy birthday but he wont say it out loud. Anyways this rant isn’t about them. It couldn’t be.

This rant is about that other maybe 90% of people who know, oh they know, that my name is Nicolás and they’re still using my dead name. But that’s not what’s bothering me, what actually is, is the fact that they wont even try, TRY, to use my correct pronouns. And hey, I promise its super easy to speak in a gender neutral way but no, they don’t like that so instead they call me things like this.
Are you ready to cringe?

– “mi reina” like come on I’m a f*cking king
– “mi niña” like first of all I’m not a kid anymore! I’m 26 years old
– “señora” honestly okay I’m not that old, if you wanna show respect call me sir
– “mi…” whatever following: “hermosa, preciosa, divina” like can you find more words that end with A, please, just please.

I know I shouldn’t be bitching about this but to be honest, every time I hear something like that (way too often for my stomach to handle it) I just hate myself a little bit more and it increases my dysphoria by way to much.

So if you’re reading this and you know me, I’m not asking for you to call me Nicolás (even though it would be awesome). Just don’t use those “nicknames” or whatever they’re called, just be like “hey..” its very easy to speak in a gender neutral way, so please stop using she/her pronouns because once again, I’m Nicolas and my pronouns are he/him.

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Dys•pho•ri•a

/disˈfôrēə/
noun
PSYCHIATRY
1. a state of unease or generalized dissatisfaction with life.

I honestly believe that if everyone could take the time to understand what dysphoria means and how it sometimes feels, they would be more empathic towards the trans community and they’ll understand a little bit more of what we’re going through. Everyone feels dysphoria in different ways, there’s even some trans people who don’t feel dysphoria at all. In this topic I can only talk about my personal experience. Some could feel identified with what I say and some won’t. 

For me, a female to male trans, I could list a couple of things that generate a lot of dysphoria and some I can manage, like my voice. People can look at me and call me Sir without thinking twice but once I start talking is Miss for me -.- thank the lord for testosterone. I do wish I can grow a nice ass beard but if I don’t it’s okay, honestly it won’t bother me. I hate my period but come on, even girls hate it too. But once again, thank the lord for testosterone cause it’ll make it stop!

The one thing that honestly drives me insane are my boobs. I could talk about how much I hate them none stop but if I do I’ll get so dysphoric I’ll have to shut up. Before I came out to myself as trans, I already wanted to chop off my chest. I can remember the day I just wanted them to disappear, and since then every single day I want them gone. 

I went to a fat camp and when I came back to Mexico, I continued to lose weight. Once I was feeling so good about myself and how I looked, cause I was finally looking healthy and fit, I remember looking at myself in the mirror while I was naked and just hating how I looked, my first thought was: “why the f*ck do I need to have such big boobs”. And so I started to hide them. I gained weight so you couldn’t see the big lump I had, I bought elastic bandages and used them almost every single day until I bought my first binder. Now I can’t go out without having one on. Sometimes I even use two. I look at myself in the mirror and see the magic of having a “flat chest” and it just feels amazing. 

But now it gets tricky, remember the best feeling in the world (for girls) was getting to take off your bra at the end of the day? Well, now at the end of my day when I take the binder off, I can’t stand looking at myself in the mirror. It feels like this constant opinion I never asked for, telling me “you’re not a real man”. Thank the lord for surgery I guess, can it come earlier though?!?!

Nicolás Galicia2 Comments