Let Me Start Over

So basically this month was an eye opening one. I not only got drunk every weekend but last Saturday my drunk self decided that smoking weed would be a good idea. I gained 5 kg and I didn’t do anything of the paper work I’m supposed to do.

At first I was really mad with myself but then it hit me, how sad I must be? Damn, really fucking sad to the point where I thought smoking weed would be a great idea. I guess I’ve been carrying all of the weight on my heart. In the beginning I thought, “now that everyone knows that I’m trans, I get to be myself and most importantly, happy!” And that’s kinda true but with the changes in my voice, the facial hair that’s growing, some of the people around me are now realizing that I’m really changing and they’re scared, and I understand that, but I wish they weren’t because they just project that onto me. On top of everything I’m feeling inside, ‘cause the dysphoria just keeps getting worse and worse, honestly this isn’t what I need.

Today the month ends and I’m just learning that today is #TransgenderDayOfVisibility. With that in mind I want a fresh start, I’m giving myself another chance. This time I’ll go at the pace I’m comfortable with, I’ll stop wasting time and I’ll spend my time doing what I have to do, or reading some of the books I bought for myself, or writing more for this blog, or even taking pictures. The thing is I need to get moving, not only physically but most importantly, mentally.

I wanna do better, I wanna get better and I know I have to do better, not for anyone else but only for myself. And I will.

I failed and it’s okay

So in my last post I said that if I didn’t achieve the goals I set for myself, it would be depressing. I take that back. I forgot that I said that failure is a part of growing and with this failing I actually learned a lot.

I’ve been really hard on myself, I’ve created these false expectations for myself and I was trying to achieve the expectations that other people have for me. I guess that’s the thing with expectations, we just shouldn’t have them. They create anxiety and this unnecessary feeling of stress and disappointment.

On a happy note, even though I failed to achieve “simple” goals, I realized my focus was on the wrong place. I thought I was doing what was better for me instead of doing what actually makes me happy. I don’t have everything figured out but I do know I’m finally walking in the right direction, I can just sense it.

So lets just remember that its okay to fail, that expectations aren’t everything in life, and we need to start listening more to ourselves and to figure out us more. To really know what we want in life, so we don’t end up surviving and we can start living.

Setting Goals

So I haven’t been feeling great lately, to be honest, I’ve been feeling like shit. I’m aware that I could be feeling like this because, I’m going through menopause and puberty at the same time, I’m realizing my relationship ended, I lost the safe place I thought I was going to have, I can’t organize my head, I don’t know what I wanna do in life, and I’m feeling guilty that I’m loosing all this time but I just can’t get myself to do anything. So of course this has to stop.

In the book Progress Over Perfection by Emma Norris I learned that if I wanna achieve something I must break down big goals into more manageable goals, so I set 2 weeks goals because I know I need to start small. I hope that by sharing this will help me achieve those goals because now someone out there will know if I failed or I achieved them.

I know failure is a part of growing but in this scenario it would be depressing if I don’t achieve my goals. They’re honestly way to easy. I just need to turn them into habits so I can achieve my bigger goals.

So let me tell you what we’re working with.
– Body, to reduce my dysphoria, I’ll do a 20 minute exercise. Monday through Saturday.
– Mind, I’ll read at least 10 pages of a book every single day.
– Spirit, I’ll meditate at least 10 minutes daily.

I know I can do it, I hope I really do it. See you on February 28th.

My First Birthday

On January 26 I turned 26. I’ve never been fan of my birthday, but this birthday was different.

To begin with I totally forgot about it. Actually me and my family totally forgot about it hahaha. We thought it was “next week” when it actually was “in 3 days”. So to begin with it felt like it was going to be different.

I’ve never liked celebrating my birthday and this year was not any different, but something felt different and I didn’t know what it was. Amira then surprised me with a vegan cake, Paola gave me a hand written letter and my dad sent a picture of me to the extended family group chat that it said “Happy Birthday Nico”. When I read that, my heart stopped. I felt this joy inside of me I’ve never felt before. It was this validation I didn’t know I needed.

Remember that validation comes from within.

But that’s when it hit me, it’s my first birthday being my true self and damn it felt awesome. Everyone who wrote to me on that day were wishing me a great new start and a great new life and I never felt that way before. I was receiving so much love, I didn’t even knew how to react. I truly felt that it was my Birth Day because as cheesy as it may sound, I felt reborn.

Now, it’s not like I’m looking forward to my birthday because to be honest, who want’s to get older? Not me. But now I don’t feel this negative feeling I used to have towards this day.

From this day on, I’m starting to celebrate my life. At least this year I’m celebrating every single day because I’m getting one step closer, thanks to HRT, to who I really am.

Bathrooms

Before I start, so you won’t have any doubts, I use the men’s bathroom. Why? Because I am one. Now, you have to have in mind that I came out during the pandemic so there was no reason for me to go to a public restroom. Until now.

So I had to come to Houston to do some paperwork so chill, I’m not on vacation in the middle of a pandemic being irresponsible. With that being said, I have to confess that as soon as I was on the airport I was constantly thinking “Hell, what am I gonna do if I need to go to the bathroom?!”. I didn’t realized that I would go and that’s it, there’s nothing more to it. But I was hella scared.

The first couple of days I would hold it in until I was home. I would avoid drinking water so I didn’t have the need to go in the first place. But on the 12th I had an appointment with my therapist, Dra. Harumi, and my mom dropped me off at a Barns & Noble’s Cafe. Harumi asked me about how my experience has been, since it’s the first time I’m in public and presenting as Nicolás. The first thing I said was “BATHROOMS! I just can’t find the guts to use them” she asked why and I told her that I’m just scared someone’s not gonna like the fact that I’m in there and they’ll do something about it. Long story short she gave me the task to go to the bathroom and then tell her my experience, and so I did.

This may sound stupid but at first, my heart was pounding and I rushed into a stall. As the time passed I just started realizing that nobody cares if I’m there or not. The people that go into bathrooms they just want to go to the bathroom and that’s it. Plus, Harumi told me that I would only look like I nervous boy. Hahaha I need facial hair.

Now, idgaf hahaha I go to the bathroom like it’s nobody’s business BECAUSE IT’S NOBODY’S BUSINESS! Took some time to get there, but now that I’m here, drinking water once again feels amazing.

Feelings

I have a weird relationship with feelings. To be clear I haven’t had my one month on testosterone yet and you know what they say: Taking testosterone is like having menopause and a second puberty. So I guess my relationship with feelings will get even weirder. 

As of now, I’ve been trying to understand everything I feel, the “why” and “how” I feel it. I tell myself, if you have to cry, cry. There’s no reason for us to shut down and hold it in. I believe something that’s really helpful is identifying what you’re feeling. Put a name to it, or maybe associate it with a face or taste or sound or even smell. If we did this, it’ll be a lot easier for us to explain how we’re actually feeling.

Imagine trying to tell your partner or parent or even therapist how you’re feeling, if you don’t even know what you are feeling. 

Something I could think of is to always carry a journal with us. Apart from our everyday journal that we should have, let’s have a small notebook where we could write if we feel sad, mad, anxious, etc. We could write how this feeling came up, how it makes us feel, if we can associate with something, if we feel it in a specific place in our body, if we feel it inside or outside, is it like an annoying fly or a spider running though our body. Let’s just try to identify it. Maybe this could help us express our feelings better.