Bathrooms

Before I start, so you won’t have any doubts, I use the men’s bathroom. Why? Because I am one. Now, you have to have in mind that I came out during the pandemic so there was no reason for me to go to a public restroom. Until now.

So I had to come to Houston to do some paperwork so chill, I’m not on vacation in the middle of a pandemic being irresponsible. With that being said, I have to confess that as soon as I was on the airport I was constantly thinking “Hell, what am I gonna do if I need to go to the bathroom?!”. I didn’t realized that I would go and that’s it, there’s nothing more to it. But I was hella scared.

The first couple of days I would hold it in until I was home. I would avoid drinking water so I didn’t have the need to go in the first place. But on the 12th I had an appointment with my therapist, Dra. Harumi, and my mom dropped me off at a Barns & Noble’s Cafe. Harumi asked me about how my experience has been, since it’s the first time I’m in public and presenting as Nicolás. The first thing I said was “BATHROOMS! I just can’t find the guts to use them” she asked why and I told her that I’m just scared someone’s not gonna like the fact that I’m in there and they’ll do something about it. Long story short she gave me the task to go to the bathroom and then tell her my experience, and so I did.

This may sound stupid but at first, my heart was pounding and I rushed into a stall. As the time passed I just started realizing that nobody cares if I’m there or not. The people that go into bathrooms they just want to go to the bathroom and that’s it. Plus, Harumi told me that I would only look like I nervous boy. Hahaha I need facial hair.

Now, idgaf hahaha I go to the bathroom like it’s nobody’s business BECAUSE IT’S NOBODY’S BUSINESS! Took some time to get there, but now that I’m here, drinking water once again feels amazing.

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Feelings

I have a weird relationship with feelings. To be clear I haven’t had my one month on testosterone yet and you know what they say: Taking testosterone is like having menopause and a second puberty. So I guess my relationship with feelings will get even weirder. 

As of now, I’ve been trying to understand everything I feel, the “why” and “how” I feel it. I tell myself, if you have to cry, cry. There’s no reason for us to shut down and hold it in. I believe something that’s really helpful is identifying what you’re feeling. Put a name to it, or maybe associate it with a face or taste or sound or even smell. If we did this, it’ll be a lot easier for us to explain how we’re actually feeling.

Imagine trying to tell your partner or parent or even therapist how you’re feeling, if you don’t even know what you are feeling. 

Something I could think of is to always carry a journal with us. Apart from our everyday journal that we should have, let’s have a small notebook where we could write if we feel sad, mad, anxious, etc. We could write how this feeling came up, how it makes us feel, if we can associate with something, if we feel it in a specific place in our body, if we feel it inside or outside, is it like an annoying fly or a spider running though our body. Let’s just try to identify it. Maybe this could help us express our feelings better.

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Amira and Paola – BFF

Word of advice, just have TWO best friends. I promise you don’t need more. Everyone has their “school” friends, “party” friends, “family” friends, whatever friends, and it’s great to hang out with all of them but you’ll probably won’t tell them every little aspect of your life. Just like you would to your best friend.

One way I like to put it is that your best friend should be your perfect partner. The person who you’ll blindly spend the rest of your life with. Your spouse or husband or significant other. But it can’t be, the sex would be hella uncomfortable hahaha.

Now, the advice I could give to you is: choose carefully. The plan is you’re gonna share the rest of your life with them, as they will with you. It won’t be about how long you’ve known them for, honestly time doesn’t matter. What truly matters is connection, it’s all about the trust, what you both share and how you share it. Openly and without judgment.

I’m one of the lucky ones. I’ve already found my two best friends, Paola and Amira. The three of us went to the same school and the friendship started the very first day I met Paola (4th grade), with Amira it took some time (7th grade) but now I honestly don’t know what I would do without them. Once we grew up and got to the point in our lives where you start cleansing the people around you, that’s when I knew I just couldn’t leave without them.

If you’re gonna be here for this ride, it’s important for me that you know at least who they are because they’re so so so very important pieces to my life and I’m forever grateful with both of them. The things they’ve done for me and how, up until this day, they’re still by my side, it’s just speechless to me.

Paola y Amira if you’re reading this las amo un chingo y gracias por ser parte de mi vida <3.

This is Paola, my sister.
This is Amira, my other half.

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Dys•pho•ri•a

/disˈfôrēə/
noun
PSYCHIATRY
1. a state of unease or generalized dissatisfaction with life.

I honestly believe that if everyone could take the time to understand what dysphoria means and how it sometimes feels, they would be more empathic towards the trans community and they’ll understand a little bit more of what we’re going through. Everyone feels dysphoria in different ways, there’s even some trans people who don’t feel dysphoria at all. In this topic I can only talk about my personal experience. Some could feel identified with what I say and some won’t. 

For me, a female to male trans, I could list a couple of things that generate a lot of dysphoria and some I can manage, like my voice. People can look at me and call me Sir without thinking twice but once I start talking is Miss for me -.- thank the lord for testosterone. I do wish I can grow a nice ass beard but if I don’t it’s okay, honestly it won’t bother me. I hate my period but come on, even girls hate it too. But once again, thank the lord for testosterone cause it’ll make it stop!

The one thing that honestly drives me insane are my boobs. I could talk about how much I hate them none stop but if I do I’ll get so dysphoric I’ll have to shut up. Before I came out to myself as trans, I already wanted to chop off my chest. I can remember the day I just wanted them to disappear, and since then every single day I want them gone. 

I went to a fat camp and when I came back to Mexico, I continued to lose weight. Once I was feeling so good about myself and how I looked, cause I was finally looking healthy and fit, I remember looking at myself in the mirror while I was naked and just hating how I looked, my first thought was: “why the f*ck do I need to have such big boobs”. And so I started to hide them. I gained weight so you couldn’t see the big lump I had, I bought elastic bandages and used them almost every single day until I bought my first binder. Now I can’t go out without having one on. Sometimes I even use two. I look at myself in the mirror and see the magic of having a “flat chest” and it just feels amazing. 

But now it gets tricky, remember the best feeling in the world (for girls) was getting to take off your bra at the end of the day? Well, now at the end of my day when I take the binder off, I can’t stand looking at myself in the mirror. It feels like this constant opinion I never asked for, telling me “you’re not a real man”. Thank the lord for surgery I guess, can it come earlier though?!?!

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Pre – Testosterone

So right now I’m feeling exited, inpatient, with so much expectations and scared. In just two days I start testosterone. It won’t be shots, therefore it will be gel and I’ve heard it gets really annoying becase it’s Every. Single. Day. But like I said, I’m exited!!

I’m also inpatient because like its two days, I know I’ve waited for a long time now and two days must seem like nothing but to be honest it feels like I have to wait forever! I just wanna start like yesterday hahaha. But anyways I know I have to be patient because its just the beginning of a long ass journey.

Same time I have so many expectations. You know how you look at yourself in the mirror and you’re just visualizing how you imagine you could be? There’s a scary part about all of this, what if the idea you have in your head isn’t what you “get”. That’s why they say it’s very important not to have any expectations. It won’t be your fault if you look different than what you thought you would. We all have to understand, it all comes down to genetics and that’s it.

And lastly I’m scared. I’m scared shitless of what’s to come in all aspects of my life. I’m scared of the unknown. What’s gonna happen with my family? Are they all gonna call me Nicolás? What’s gonna happen at school? Are the teachers gonna use my birth name? What’s gonna happen with my social life? What’s gonna happen at work? I don’t know, you don’t know and nobody knows.

I guess we’ll just have to wait and see… I’m still so excited for what life has in store for me and for us and the whole world.

December 31st 2020

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moon omens

Have you ever just followed an account on social media just because whatever they post will make you smile? Well, the one I follow is called moon omens from instagram (also we’re not really strangers) and tbh I truly believe I was meant to read every single post that found its way to my home page.

When I read some of these posts I wanna let you know that I was definitely NOT at my best. Transitioning in a catholic family, in Mexico, with everyone in everyone’s business, it’s not that easy and it can get very overwhelming, very fast. And funny enough, something that really helped me through that time, was following this type of accounts. Where every time I saw a post, I felt that we were vibing at the same frequency and all of the sudden I just didn’t feel so alone. Plus it was the perfect amount of hope that I needed at that time.

Today I just wanna share some of my favorites, I hope they help in some way. You’re not alone in this, I know that sometimes it can feel like you are but I promise you, you are not alone!

It’s not your job anymore to fight for someone else’s version of the story. You have to believe in your own story and be honest with yourself how that story played out for you. You don’t have to tell them they were wrong. You don’t have to prove to them their version was wrong. You have to be kinder to yourself and work on your own pain, not theirs. Let go of blaming. Let go of needing to prove to others you have good intentions. Prove to yourself you can be better. Prove to yourself there is room for faults and growth. Prove to yourself you are responsible for healing your own wounds and not needing anyone else to carry them for you.

– D A R R E N S I A O

One day it just clicks. You realize what’s important and what isn’t. You learn to care less about what other people think of you and more about what you think of yourself. you realize how far you’ve come and you remember when you thought things were such a mess that you would never recover. And you smile. You smile because your are truly proud of yourself and the person you’ve fought to become.

– B E C C A L E E

You have never shamed the waves for not arriving on the ocean shore any sooner than they were meant to, and you have never looked above you to guilt the clouds for taking their time as they cross the noonday sky. You simply accept: these clouds must travel and whatever pace they need to. Oh, what a difference it would make if you have yourself this same grace.

– M O R G A N H A R P E R N I C H O L S

The best thing you can ever do for yourself is love every part of you that others deemed unworthy. The love you have for yourself is strong enough to heal you from the insecurities you need to let go of. The love you have deep within you will give you the strength to never give up on yourself.

– N A T A L Y A J O H N S O N

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Hormone blocker

First of all, Amira will be someone who’ll probably appear in a lot of my stories if not all of them. She’s one of my two best friends, the other one is Paola and she’ll be in them too.

So to start, my dad was asking me, when will I tell all my family about me being trans. He was really pushing it because I guess he wanted that out of the way ASAP. Anyways, I told him that I wont tell anyone if I’m not on hormone therapy yet and so he said, “Okay then, start your treatment then”. Tbh I was so f*cking happy that I got the green light and I didn’t care the “why” of it. Of course that day I scheduled an appointment so they would take a blood sample and as soon as I got the results, the doctor told me that I was ready for hormone blockers. So obviously I made an appointment today to get the shot.

I told Amira to come with me and of course, we were late (which I hate because I’ll always arrive early, always). But oh god, Yola didn’t write down my appointment so there was no one, NO ONE that could let us in. With this world pandemic the clinic isn’t functioning as usual so it was literally closed. Good news though, half an hour later my endocrinologist came and we were back in business.

She injected me with Eligard GnRH and damn that b*tch hurt like a motherf*cker. But hell I was so happy afterwards. It’s the first day of the rest of my life!! Of course I wanted to record that moment and that’s why I told Amira (also because I needed her by my side) and Dr. Alma was like nah, she has to wait outside.

When we were leaving I was like okay this is my chance to make a video so I can remember this day forever (as if this wasn’t enough) and so here it is.

This is the first day of the rest of my life!!

Guys, I PROMISE YOU, there’s a f*cking light at the end of that scary and what feels lonely tunnel. But don’t forget that you’re not alone, there’s a lot of people out there who are feeling or have felt the same way you may be feeling. I’m always gonna be here if need someone 🙂

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KISS – Keep It Super Simple

Keep It Super Simple. This is something they taught me at work and it was the main rule when talking to clients. Suddenly, I realized this is something I could use in my own life.

Since I came out to myself, I’ve been overthinking about how to come out to my family, how to tell my friends, how will people react, will they accept me, are they gonna take it seriously, is it something i will be able to talk about… and then I just realized, KEEP IT SUPER SIMPLE.

How though?

  • You’ll come out to your family when you’re ready and you don’t have to make it a big thing, just say what you need to say and keep it super simple.
  • Your friends love you no matter what and if some don’t like who you truly are then they’re not your friends at all.
  • It doesn’t matter how people will react or not. You have to be okay with yourself and if you are then all those that surround you will be.
  • You have to accept yourself first and then, yourself. That’s how life is, you can’t base your happiness on people, period. So don’t worry about people not accepting you because once you accept yourself, that’s all you truly need. Remember, keep it super simple.
  • The people around you will take it as serious as you take it. If they see you 100% sure, they’ll know its a 100% true.
  • Find people who you can talk with but know that not everyone will be on board with the conversation of it and they’ll just let it flow. And don’t get me wrong, sometimes that’s the best.

It gets better, and I know maybe you’re tired of people telling you that, I know I was. But I promise, I really really promise, it really gets better. And with your rushing and intrusive thoughts, just KISS them away.

If you want someone to talk to, I’ll always be here.

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